My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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