We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
