I puked a lego.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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