Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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