Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
