Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
