Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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