the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I need water and some morals
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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