So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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