it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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