i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
