This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
