I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
