The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
A bitchslap is in order.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
