I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
