its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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