when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
