so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
