I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
