anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
