Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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