Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
