I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
