My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
