dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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