Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
