my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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