Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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