John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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