i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
