I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
