Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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