Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
