My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
