Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
