can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
