I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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