Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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