It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
