dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
