The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
