I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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