I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
