I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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