I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
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I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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