well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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