so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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