Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
