So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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