I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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