Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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