i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
