I murdered the dance floor call the cops
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
