if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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