shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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