I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
