i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
